


Voldemort does HIIT

by shyngr8



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Exercise gone wrong, Humour, Voldy's gained some weight, crack!fic, nothing serious here
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:14:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,325
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29900259
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shyngr8/pseuds/shyngr8
Summary: Hello. Here I am again explaining another crack!fic. For those of you who've read I Cook Alone I hope you enjoyed it, and you'll understand how this one came about (yes, a meme was involved). Also, I do Shaun T's workouts every day, and I'm currently doing his Insanity Max 30 program (not a sales pitch, I'm a masochist who LOVES his workouts), so I was inspired a little. No, none of it makes sense, but I hope you enjoy this silly bit of writing.





	Voldemort does HIIT

Voldemort sighed as he fastened his favourite silk robes in his favourite shade of pale green. They were a little snug and they hadn't even reached the Christmas season yet. And don't even get him started on making sure he fit into his dress robes for Hermione and Sirius' wedding- the event of the season they were sharing with his birthday.

Turning sideways he peered in the mirror in his room at Malfoy Manor. He patted his stomach and turned the other way. Then he sighed again before catching Narcissa walking past his room in the reflection.

'Narcissa, dear! Could you come here a moment?' Voldemort called to her.

A second later and the blonde witch was gliding into his room expectantly, a perfectly arched eyebrow raised questioningly. 'What can I do for you?'

He turned back to the mirror and patted his stomach once more. 'Am I getting fat?'

Narcissa slowly walked around him, tapping her chin with her forefinger. After two circles around him, Narcissa pulled slightly at the material before saying, 'You have gained a couple of pounds, but you wear it well, sweetheart.'

Voldemort sagged a little, gazing at his reflection for a third time.

Seeing his deflated expression, she quickly put an arm around him. 'Obviously that's not what you wanted to hear, and as luck would have it, the girls and I have said we're going to join an exercise class. You know- look our best for the wedding and birthday celebrations. Why don't you join us?'

This seemed to perk him up a little. 'What kind of exercise class?'

'Hermione called it _punch_ or _hit_ …or something like that, I forget,' Narcissa waved her hand dismissively. 'We go tomorrow night, shall I tell them you're joining us?'

'Go on then,' Voldemort said with a grin.

XXXXXX

'Not _hit_ ,' Hermione said with a small laugh, 'It's HIIT. It's an acronym for high-intensity interval training.'

Narcissa, Bellatrix, Ginny, Luna, and Voldemort still looked confused. She shook her head.

'I've only read about it but you'll see,' she said dropping her bag at the edge of the room, the others following her lead. 'You're going to need to change your robes, Voldy. You'll break your neck in those.'

'It's okay, I have a couple of Horcruxes spare,' he said nonchalantly, gazing at the other attendees of the exercise class wearing tight clothing.

'Cissy, stop fussing with my curls!' Bellatrix snarled, slapping her hands away, causing the people around them to stare at the sudden loud voice.

'You're going to have to let me near them at some point, Bella,' Narcissa huffed. 'Don't make me talk to mum about this!'

'Can you two just get along?' Voldemort stepped in, having been caught in one too many arguments between the sisters before. 'You're making a show of us.'

'Sorry, Voldy,' they said together, moving away from each other, knowing they would continue this later.

'ALRIGHT, GUYS! LET'S WARM UP!' a very muscular man boomed into his headset from the front of the room. 'EVERYONE SPREAD OUT! START JOGGING ON THE SPOT!'

Voldemort turned to look at Hermione, a silent question of _what the fuck_? flitting across his features. She grinned sweetly at him. He wasn't fooled. He'd been drawn in before by that smile.

'HIGH-KNEE JOG!' the man boomed.

Voldemort was already red-faced, the most colour his skin had had in decades, and out of breath.

'What dark hell have you got us into, Hermione?' Ginny huffed next to Voldemort.

'I never said this would be easy,' she said between heavy breaths, 'I just said it would get results.'

'NOW HIT THE FLOOR!'

'Hit the floor?' Voldemort said, not moving.

'HIT THE FLOOR!' the man repeated.

Five minutes later and the warm-up was over. The small group collapsed to the wooden floor.

'Seriously, Hermione. What _dark hell_ is this?' Ginny asked, desperately reaching for the bottle of water at the other end of the room. Voldemort flopped his arm in an arc over his body, sending the bottle flying into Ginny's hand.

'Now, My Lord, we've had discussions about this,' Bellatrix said breathlessly, trying to keep her curls at bay.

'The poor girl was dying of dehydration,' Voldemort said defensively, sweat getting in his eyes.

'Literally,' Ginny said, finishing the bottle in one go.

'My Lord,' Bellatrix said in a warning tone. 'What did we say about wandless magic?'

' _Just because you can doesn't mean you should_ ,' Voldemort said in a parroting voice, the tone she used every week on him.

'Oh Bella, you didn't!' Hermione sniggered.

'Well,' she said sheepishly, 'you should see him at the DE meetings. Waving his hand around like he's conducting inanimate objects. He's showing off.'

'HEY! THIS ISN'T A COFFEE BREAK! GET UP!' the man boomed, still bouncing around like he'd had one too many coffees himself.

'What magic is he using to be that energetic?' Voldemort asked trying to pick himself up.

XXXXXX

It was when they reached the switch kicks that Voldemort realised his error, and silently, begrudgingly, knew Hermione was right. In trying to kick his legs up in front of him, his robes didn't have as much give as he first thought, and they were his best exercise robes too! Some of his finest torturing had been done in these robes. Before he knew it, he stepped down on the back hem of his robes, causing it to yank on his neck. With a strangled yelp, Voldemort fell onto his back with an undignified grunt.

Not one of the class participants stopped what they were doing to check on him, and that wasn't to say they were actually exercising. Some of them were already on the floor trying to survive whatever torture this was.

'HEY BUDDY! YOU OKAY!' the man boomed, not really asking the question, it was more of an insistence. There was also chance he didn't even need his headset, still doing switch kicks without missing a breath.

'He can't be a Muggle,' Voldemort gasped to himself.

'COLLECT YOUR LIFE FOR A MOMENT, DUDE! STAY DOWN THERE! WE'VE GOT TRICEP DIPS NEXT!'

Ginny collapsed to the floor next to Voldemort sounding like she was never going to breathe normally again. 'If you wanted to take her out at our next dispute, I'll set it up for you. Just say the word,' Ginny said, each word broken with a deep breath.

'Now Ginevra, what've I told you about your drama queen tendencies?'

Ginny nodded defeatedly, trying to set herself up to do tricep dips but her elbows kept giving way. 'I know. We don't turn on friends.'

'THIS AIN'T NO GOSSIP CORNER!'

'That's a double negative!' Hermione snapped through gritted teeth, her skinny arms struggling to hold her body weight in the dip. 'You've effectively told us it is!'

Voldemort gave Ginny a look. 'Alright, you made your point,' she huffed, 'she has her uses. I'll stop being a drama queen.'

Then finally, with every person dropping to the floor, including the sadist instructor, the class was over. There was heavy breathing, a lot of sweat, and some groaning from Luna and Narcissa.

'I feel like we've just finished a swinging session, but far less satisfied,' Ginny said loudly, causing the instructor to laugh loudly. 'He found it funny.'

Hermione rolled over to stand, holding her hand out to Bellatrix. 'Touch me and you die,' she said warningly, slapping Hermione's hand away, 'we are no longer friends for the next week.'

'I didn't know. _I didn't know!_ ' Hermione said earnestly.

Voldemort picked his head up for a moment, his little pouch of fat still on his stomach. 'Fuck it. I'm magical.' He waved his hand and the pouch was gone.

That got him a lot of swears, slaps, and a feebly sent curse off Bellatrix that she couldn't muster the full energy for, so it barely even pinched him.

'Let's not do this again,' Luna said, curling up into a foetal position.


End file.
